Cross My Mind! Transform Me Lord!

I’ve only had one panic attack in my life, which occurred when I worked for certain woman.

Months of enduring an agonizing work environment mounted in the form of a panic attack one morning during a conference meeting with peers.  Discussion, turned sour, her eyes narrowed down at me, her sharp sharp tongue lashed out in my direction in front of my co-workers and friends.

The room seemed to narrow, my vision blurred, my cold body quivered, and I began to get very thirsty.  Feeling as I have never felt before, I cried for the co-workers to call my husband to come pick me up, too upset to drive home.

Trying to manage the stress of this new job, I saw a counselor.  The counselor told me that I had a panic attack probably because I wanted but couldn’t escape a situation. This was the first and hopefully last panic attack I’ll have in my life.

Her insulting ways never ceased to exist, even at a company party I allowed her coy remarks to elevate my blood pressure to dangerous levels, leaving me light headed, something you don’t want during a pregnancy. We left the party, and my husband took me to the emergency room.

No two days were alike, one day she walked happily around the office smiling and greeting staff. Then, in a blink of an eye something shifted in her persona.  She closed her office door, made no eye contact, and when passing through to go to the ladies room her cold aloofness instantly stiffened the air.  Her raise of an eyebrow, turn of a head and belittling non-verbal expressions implied no faith in any of our abilities.

Office staff complained of aches and pains and several either self-diagnosed or medically diagnosed themselves to have Fibromyalgia, a common syndrome consisting in body-wide pain and tenderness in the joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, and anxiety. And Anxiety is something we were all feeling.

To this day, when I see a Fibromyalgia drug commercial I think to myself, eliminate stress and you’ll get rid of Fibromyalgia, because the truth is stress can manifest itself into various forms. This toxic environment brought on weight loss, muscle pains, black circles under eyes, panic attacks, loss of sleep and loss of hair. This type of work stress was all new to me because every job I had up until this point was in a healthy, positive work place.

It wasn’t long after the panic attack, I quit. It just wasn’t worth the risk to the baby and to me. Luckily, I left because I ended up having pre-eclampsia during my pregnancy. That added stress could have been lethal to both the baby and me.

Years later after leaving that job, there would be times I thought about her for no reason. I’m sure you’ve had this happen before in your life. When you thought you were over it, then bam the bad memory corrupts your mind.

6 years after, I went Christmas shopping at Macy’s and out of the corner of my eye a familiar walk caught my attention.  The ladies back faced my direction, but the height, weight and hair looked ever so familiar. The radar in my spirit picked up that she was near.  Sensing her presence, I quickly moved to another department and hid out in the purses until I thought the coast was clear. Yes, I was a coward.

 My husband went upstairs with my son to go to the restroom; he asked if I wanted to go. Even though I was pregnant with my second child at the time and usually needed to go, I said, “No, you guys go and meet me downstairs.”  When my husband came down the escalator, he said, “You’re not going to believe who I just ran into upstairs, good thing you weren’t up there. It was her.”

“I knew it. I knew it. Even though I never saw her face, I just knew it was her!”  Even 6 years later, her evil ways still haunted me. Since leaving that job, anytime I spotted a Black Lexus, a car she owned, parked in a parking lot, it crossed my mind, “ Is she in the store I’m about to go into?”

Over the years just the thought of her caused my jaw tightened, a hollow ache set in my stomach and my face to instantly cringe. I found myself physically trying to shake off the memory and feeling, by tossing my head and shoulders side to side. How could a negative memory have such power over me? How could some unknown trigger take me so fast back to that terrible place?

Not sure why some things are just harder to shake off, but it happens to a lot of us. What’s even harder than shaking off these bad events is praying for these people! What?

Pray for someone like this? Someone I can’t stand?  Yes, one of the hardest things that Jesus asks us to do is to pray for our enemies! 

Praying for someone who caused you pain, hurt you, tortured you, hurt your friends or family is one of the most difficult things on the planet to do.  In fact, just the prayer alone can cause discomfort.

In my life time, there have been many forced prayers for people.  Just getting through these prayers for the quote “enemy” can be painful. I’ve felt like I’m lying during a prayer, like a hypocrite because I’m so mad at that person, and it hurts to pray or wish them well at all!

But the bible tells us to love our enemies, do good to those that hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those that mistreat you. “(Luke 6:27-29) But this can feel like the impossible task!

The other night while lying in bed, I asked my husband if he needed to forgive anyone or if he had any unresolved issues? We both looked each other knowing that someone hurt him very deeply. We started talking about how it was time to let go of this.  

My husband once had a very close relationship with a family member.  This person was having a tough time and asked to borrow a lot of money. Even though, we really didn’t have the money to loan, we did. After loaning the money, this person disappeared and completely abandoned the relationship. Years pasted, there was no mention of the money, paying it back or anything. In fact, he didn’t even call or acknowledge when our son was born. It was as if he was hiding from us.

 A few years ago, my husband went to him to share how hurt he was over the betrayal, only to hear empty promises. At this point, it’s not about the money; it’s about the lies and the abandonment.  For over 8 years, they have had no relationship at all. My husband almost never cries but he was deeply hurt by this.

But seeing how God is changing me, I read him this passage from the bible, “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke: 6: 35-36)

My husband rolled away from me, turning his back in my direction, and in a tiny childlike voice he said, “This is so hard. It’s so hard to do what Jesus asks us to do.”

So many of us are just like him. We are like wounded children. God doesn’t expect us to be able to do any of this alone. He knows that we are weak, and that forgiving and praying for these “bad guys” is one of the hardest of tasks on earth. But remember no task is too big for God.   God’s can give us strength.

Lately, I’ve been listening to a New Testament dramatic series on CD in my car. So I’ve heard Jim Caviezel as Jesus, share scripture and parables over and over again. Not sure exactly how it happens, but as you learn the word of God, you’re internally moved and changed.

This past week, I went into Walgreen’s. The manager that brought me so much grief lives very close.  Usually, it crosses my mind that I might run into her at that store, since it wasn’t long ago that my husband saw her there! But this time shopping trip was different.

A strong thought came into my mind; “I wish I would run into her.”  I felt the need to look into her eyes and tell her, “I’m so glad that I saw you today. I wanted to tell you that if I caused you any pain when I worked for you, I’m sorry and I hope that you can forgive me.”  

Wow, where did crazy thought come from?  Not me, I can assure you!

You see I can’t control anyone’s actions but my own.  I did not see her, but just having this thought was a surprise and quite amazing.  I believe the Holy Spirit is transforming even my inner most private thoughts. He’s working his magic and knocking some sense into my thick skull.

You see as I opened my “ears to hear” and opened my “eyes to see” amazingly God is transforming me. He took the fears away and replaced it with a need for peaceful closure.  The Lord knows us inside and out, down to our most private thoughts.  If we let him, he can change even the hardest of spirits. 

Nobody says any of this is easy. We are all like my husband, praying for the enemy is “hard,” forgiving someone who hurt you so deeply is so “hard.”  But none of this is too hard for God.  If you allow it, he can transform you too, making the impossible…possible.

Other Examples of Praying for Enemies:

I have three friends that have daughters in physically or verbally abusive relationships, all of young women refuse to get out the dysfunctional relationships, choosing to stay in the abusive men. It goes without saying that everyone is praying for the well-being of their girls. But as the bible tells us, as much as it’s a forced prayer, please pray for these young men! Ask God to help these young men turn away from anger. Pray for God to change them!

My other friend has a dangerous stalker that has threatened her life. I pray almost every day for him to have mental stability, for God to take away his obsession and anger towards my friend. I ask that God put good Christians in his path to help him heal.  Sure getting a gun, buying mace, getting an home alarm system are all great ideas when you have a stalker,  but it’s even more important that you ask the ruler of this Universe to not only to protect you but to help transform the man that stalks you.

 

Scriptures of the Day:

King James Bible: Matthew 5:44
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

“But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke: 6: 35-36)

Questions:

1. What “enemies” do you need to pray for?
2. What past incidents do you need to resolve?
3. How can you show kindness to those you may not be so in love with?
4. What actions can you take that will move you closer to God?
5. Have you had a recent illness that is caused by stress? (Hand the stress over to God)